Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I would fuck him just for his dog
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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