I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
