i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
