I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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