I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
