My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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