I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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