Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
