She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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