I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
