i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Text me some of your sweat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
