my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
