We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
