I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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