They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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