my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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