Apparently you make a good broom.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
