Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
