I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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