they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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