I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
