This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
