This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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