I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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