remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
