i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
