My sheets look like a crime scene.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
