Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
