so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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