We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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