I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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