Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
