walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize