dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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