I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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