she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
