it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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