i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
