I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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