Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
