if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
high people should be assigned attendants
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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