Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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