Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
