There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Farmville is her only friend.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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