everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
