I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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