When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
