last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
