i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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