I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
