I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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