some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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