tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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