she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
