remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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