Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
