the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
