The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
