It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
