i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
