Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
