omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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