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One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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