"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
