1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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