R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
